in a funk!

I am in a big one. I know it's because of our living situation, and it is driving me crazy. That sounds so snobby, I recognize that. It's not so much that I hate where we live now, I just don't feel settled. I feel like I am living in limbo and I cant get organized and into a groove. Things are breaking here.....like appliances, and it is frustrating to not be able to take charge and get things fixed. It's been a long time since we rented, and I can't say I want to do it again soon. Even if we never had a more spacious place than this, I know we are still lucky, so I try to keep things in perspective as I live with my painters white walls, broken fridge that has no working light inside and freezes things in the fridge side, and garbage disposal that sounds like the whole place is going to take flight when I turn it on.

My funk is partly due to the kids too. Danielle is almost 10, and man.....she gives us a run for our money. It's a daily occurence that I feel like I have gone wrong in parenting her and that she will never speak to me when she is older. Then I try to remember that being a kid is hard, and it is my job to be her mom first and her friend second. She lies, and she lies a lot. Even when she knows I know the truth, she will keep it up, and her stubborn self will not concede and come clean. Yesterday she was racing her sister up the stairs and got mad when Cami was winning. Danielle then grabbed Cami's ankle with both hands and tried to drag her back down. Cameron stuck up for herself and screamed at her to let go. I didnt see the incident, but then Cami got in the shower and Danielle came to me and asked to take a shower alone......after her sister "because Cami is being mean to me". I asked her why she felt like she was being mean, and she said she raced her up the stairs. Geesh......sensitive are we? I asked her what the screaming was about and she said Cameron screamed because she "touched er on the foot". Whatever. Does the THINK I was born yesterday? Even after telling her I was not THAT mad about the grabbing (although she shuldnt have done it) she kept the lie up for a good hour.....telling me over and over she did not do it. This kid is exhausting. I explained to her that the issue is NOT about the grabbing so much as it is the lack of truth. Now she lies about little things, but as she gets bigger, the lies will be about bigger things and it is my job to make sure that she knows she MUST do the right thing and tell the truth. She continued to lie to my face for quite some time, but I was not letting it go. FINALLY she sobbed and said she felt like she had swallowed a scrunched up piece of paper when she has told a lie yet she was afraid to tell the truth b/c she didn't want to get in trouble. I told her I wa sproud of her for finally admitting it, but that she still had to be punished. I told her that her punishment would have been 10 times worse if she had never told me the truth, but not nearly as severe if she just admitted what she did the first time. We talked for a good half hour after she admitted it, and it ended on a very good note....but what an ordeal!

I went to bed mentally exhausted and wondering where I have gone wrong as a mother.

then I woke up this morning and remembered one of my favorite sayings. 'There is no way to be a perfect mother, and a million ways to be a good one'

we just keep trudging along......doing the best we can.