a philosopher I am not, but I do think about self control in all aspects of my life, and work on ways to improve it.
It is all about a big picture, and the everyday lessons that life brings. We have big pictures in mind whether it is how much money we are aspiring to save, how we want to nurture our childrens' spirits, or how we get along with our spouses, neighbors, families and friends. What are these little lessons here to teach us? How can we learn from them? Can I and should I act in a way that is better for me now, or better for the big picture?
I was thinking about this today in terms of money. How do we raise children to have some responsibility with money? When is it too early for them to understand?
We were at gymnastics the other day and Dani spotted a new (and very cool I might add) leotard in the pro shop. It was her favorite shade of green with some geometric patterns on it. She has been such a good girl lately, and really is doing fantastic in school and at home and I really WANTED to buy it for her! After all it was only 30$ and I even had the cash in my pocket. She has a few leotards already though, and didn't really need it. What is the lesson to learn in this? You can afford it, so buy it? She has been good, so buy it? What was I teaching her if I just bought it right then and there?
I took a step back, took a deep breath, and told her "no" (and felt like running to avoid the wrath of my decision!) She was disappointed, but not hysterical. I was proud of her reaction, and proud of myself for not taking the easy way out ;) On the way home, I did point out to her that she DOES get allowance, and that she had some money saved up that last week she chose to spend on a stuffed turtle at the waterpark (bad decision IMHO, but hers nonetheless).
I have given her the tools, the control and the choice to be able to get that leotard if she wants it. If she does want it badly enough, time will tell. It is not always (and not often even) the right thing to do to make a choice that makes everyone happy "right now". It wouldn't have made us short somewhere else to get it for her that day, but what would she have learned? I never want to lose sight of that big picture. I want her to know responsibility, and working and saving for what you really want in life.
Even if it is just a green leotard.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Yes it was awful-----now please shut up!
What a title huh?
I recently read an article with this heading, and was intrigued to say the least. Little did I know it would end up giving me that (as Oprah likes to call it) A-HA moment. I literally thought "a-ha, this is what I need to think about, this is what I need to change in my life"
There is a big difference in understanding how our past experiences have shaped us into the person we are today, and being choked and controlled by that past. For me, it is like it is always hanging out there, like I am waiting for the right moment in conversation to tell my story. I am realizing that it doesn't matter.......I mean it DOES matter, but by constantly feeling the need to talk about it, am I really just looking for pity? That's AWFUL!
In trying to figure out what to do and move forward I have wallowed in self pity and tried to bring others there with me. The author in the article talked about a whole society doting on tales of personal tragedy. The trouble is that it makes us feel more like we are sinking in quicksand than lighting a torch to proceed with our lives. Does it really help us to obsess about the ways we've been wronged? Does it help us to BE happy by talking about things that have happened to make us UNHAPPY? That is not to say there isn't a time and a place to talk about it, but by allowing ourselves to get bogged down in these old stories prevents the new learning. We cannot change what has happened, we can only learn from it and live in the now.
It certainly isn't easy to do. We have to take baby steps. We cannot expect to erase memories of our past, but we can train ourselves to move forward slowly. We aren't running with that torch on a well-lit, clear and direct path. We are trudging along, sometimes struggling to find our way. We are brushing the sand off our feet as we hold our torch high to light our way.
I'm not going to turn back.
I recently read an article with this heading, and was intrigued to say the least. Little did I know it would end up giving me that (as Oprah likes to call it) A-HA moment. I literally thought "a-ha, this is what I need to think about, this is what I need to change in my life"
There is a big difference in understanding how our past experiences have shaped us into the person we are today, and being choked and controlled by that past. For me, it is like it is always hanging out there, like I am waiting for the right moment in conversation to tell my story. I am realizing that it doesn't matter.......I mean it DOES matter, but by constantly feeling the need to talk about it, am I really just looking for pity? That's AWFUL!
In trying to figure out what to do and move forward I have wallowed in self pity and tried to bring others there with me. The author in the article talked about a whole society doting on tales of personal tragedy. The trouble is that it makes us feel more like we are sinking in quicksand than lighting a torch to proceed with our lives. Does it really help us to obsess about the ways we've been wronged? Does it help us to BE happy by talking about things that have happened to make us UNHAPPY? That is not to say there isn't a time and a place to talk about it, but by allowing ourselves to get bogged down in these old stories prevents the new learning. We cannot change what has happened, we can only learn from it and live in the now.
It certainly isn't easy to do. We have to take baby steps. We cannot expect to erase memories of our past, but we can train ourselves to move forward slowly. We aren't running with that torch on a well-lit, clear and direct path. We are trudging along, sometimes struggling to find our way. We are brushing the sand off our feet as we hold our torch high to light our way.
I'm not going to turn back.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
what does it mean to be a good person?
This is something I have spent many hours wondering. I mean, I think there are the black and white things that most of us could agree on, but the gray area is very large, I am realizing. And, when you are faced with someone who you feel in your heart is more than just a vexation to your soul, what do you do?
I am more than comfortable in my own skin, but my heart is very heavy as I have been questioned, doubted, and frankly, attacked. It has left me angry beyond words.
I am trying my very best and putting so much of my energy into not caring what others think about me as long as *I* know I am not trying to hurt others. No 2 people are going to agree on everything! Does it mean the other person is wrong? NO! Whether it is about raising children, our relationship with our spouses, neighbors and friends, how (and IF) we practice our Faith or whether an apple tastes better than an orange, we all make decisions that work best for ourselves and our own families. As much as it may be human nature to judge, we should all try to resist that urge and accept people as they are.
But, what DO you do when someone does not give you that same courtesy? Or, when the person you are trying very hard not to judge takes advantage of you repeatedly? I am a firm believer that our society today has lost a good sense of respect. Whatever happened to good manners anyway? What does one do when they are targeted or judged by someone else? How can we (and should we still be?) gracious without being a doormat? When is it (and IS it?) the right thing to do to decide that they shouldn't be a part of your life while this is still going on?
And, what do we teach and tell our children? What do we explain to them when they ask us if someone is a good person who we don't believe is? When they were younger, it was easier to get away with "it was a bad decision, they aren't a bad PERSON", but as they get older and are more aware of interactions and behaviors, it becomes much more difficult.
It seems that some are not at all concerned with these types of things, and it's depressing to me. It seems that some would rather not have relationships at all than to do so respectfully.
I am learning to let go......and to live each moment knowing I can only change and better myself, and that I shouldn't worry about things I cannot change.
I am more than comfortable in my own skin, but my heart is very heavy as I have been questioned, doubted, and frankly, attacked. It has left me angry beyond words.
I am trying my very best and putting so much of my energy into not caring what others think about me as long as *I* know I am not trying to hurt others. No 2 people are going to agree on everything! Does it mean the other person is wrong? NO! Whether it is about raising children, our relationship with our spouses, neighbors and friends, how (and IF) we practice our Faith or whether an apple tastes better than an orange, we all make decisions that work best for ourselves and our own families. As much as it may be human nature to judge, we should all try to resist that urge and accept people as they are.
But, what DO you do when someone does not give you that same courtesy? Or, when the person you are trying very hard not to judge takes advantage of you repeatedly? I am a firm believer that our society today has lost a good sense of respect. Whatever happened to good manners anyway? What does one do when they are targeted or judged by someone else? How can we (and should we still be?) gracious without being a doormat? When is it (and IS it?) the right thing to do to decide that they shouldn't be a part of your life while this is still going on?
And, what do we teach and tell our children? What do we explain to them when they ask us if someone is a good person who we don't believe is? When they were younger, it was easier to get away with "it was a bad decision, they aren't a bad PERSON", but as they get older and are more aware of interactions and behaviors, it becomes much more difficult.
It seems that some are not at all concerned with these types of things, and it's depressing to me. It seems that some would rather not have relationships at all than to do so respectfully.
I am learning to let go......and to live each moment knowing I can only change and better myself, and that I shouldn't worry about things I cannot change.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
wow, it has been a long time
it has been a very rough few months for me, and things have gotten in the way of my time to sit, stop the world a bit (or at least wait until the world is a bit more quiet) and connect with myself. I miss me. My mind has been preoccupied in every moment and it's exhausting. I am working hard to re-gain the peace I once felt within myself and my family. The peace that really allowed me to enjoy and delight in the little things that are really the big things. The peace that made my home and family the safe and comfortable place that my soul desires and takes nourishment from.
2007 has taught me a lot. It has taught me it is not a year that I want to repeat. It has taught me that sometimes no matter how hard we try to prevent it, those times in our lives will happen. It has taught me that even when they do happen, there is still an occasional daisy in the field of weeds. It has taught me to seek out that daisy and not to lose sight of it. Sometimes you have to look very hard for the daisy, and even put every ounce of your effort into keeping it thriving amongst those weeds, but it will if you don't give up on it.
2007 has also left a lot of questions unanswered for me. As I move through this delicate balance of life, I have finally accepted that, and accepted that I won't always know how a story is going to turn out in the end. There is a lot of noise and haste in the world, and I am doing my best to leave it behind.
2007 has taught me a lot. It has taught me it is not a year that I want to repeat. It has taught me that sometimes no matter how hard we try to prevent it, those times in our lives will happen. It has taught me that even when they do happen, there is still an occasional daisy in the field of weeds. It has taught me to seek out that daisy and not to lose sight of it. Sometimes you have to look very hard for the daisy, and even put every ounce of your effort into keeping it thriving amongst those weeds, but it will if you don't give up on it.
2007 has also left a lot of questions unanswered for me. As I move through this delicate balance of life, I have finally accepted that, and accepted that I won't always know how a story is going to turn out in the end. There is a lot of noise and haste in the world, and I am doing my best to leave it behind.
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