we are the music makers......

we are the dreamers of dreams. It is one of my favorite quotes.....

to me it kind of has to do with laws of attraction. What do we WANT in life? If we THINK we will fail, aren't we destined too?

I believe in that kind of stuff to some degree. I do think that life is all about attitude and how we take what is thrown our way. Can you tell I have been writing about very similar themes lately? I won't get into all the details here, but I am writing about it because I am having to work extra hard at being happy lately. I do realize how fortunate I am in my life. I have my health, 4 amazing kids, a wonderful husband, etc..........

when things happen around you that have great potential to bring you down, how do you prevent them from doing so?

I'm working hard at it lately.

very

hard

I am not a quitter. I am not a doormat. I will not let it bring me down.

we can only control ourselves

I tell my kids this all the time. Don't worry about what someone else has done, I say......the only person you can control is yourselves. Pay attention to that voice in your head, and do what you know is right.

Unfortunately I am too naive, and think that other people feel this way too. Then I am reminded periodically that this couldn't be farther from the truth.

On Feb 2st I was in a minor car accident. The 4 kids were with me in the car, it was 5 degrees outside, and I was travelling to meet Rich for dinner. A large utility truck pulled out from a driveway RIGHT in front of me, and I was faced with the decision of hitting them perpendicularly (T-bone) or swerving and running off the road. I chose to swerve, and I hit a snowbank. I thought there was no damage to the car, but I did get out to confront the other driver. The driver of the truck immediately apologized, gave me his business card and said "Sorry, I didn't see you". There was minimal damage to the car, but I decided not to call the police, instead just taking the guys information. After all, he did just apologize! I knew I would be stuck there for 2 hrs with the police in the FRIGID temps, and with kids who had not eaten dinner. No thanks.

The car cost a thousand dollars to fix, and my insurance company informed me yesterday that the other driver said I "totally overreacted and he was not even in the road".

There isn't much I can do. My insurance company will try to fight it, but honestly....who can prove what? If I had hit him, he would be in a HEAP of trouble, and have no excuse. It also may have caused injury!

Now I am left with the bill, AND the blatant lie from the other driver. I can't MAKE someone be a good person, do the right thing, tell the truth. I am trying not to be upset, but how COULDN'T I be?

I sent an email to the company where the guy works (he was IN a company vehicle and working at the time) telling them how unfortunate it is for them that they have such a dishonest employee.

You live and you learn........

my incredible husband

its amazing. HE is amazing. Do I ever get mad at him? YES! Is he perfect? NO! How he maintains his even-keel attitude, low stress level and still manage to call me during the day and ask how I am doing is truly incredible.

Sunday night, Ava was having a baaaad night. She woke up 3 times crying, and each time I stumbled upstairs to comfort her and get her back to sleep. It was 1 am and Rich told me to bring her in bed with us if it happened again. Five minutes later she was screaming, and so I brought her to our bed. This is a big deal for Rich because while he knows SHE is more easily comforted, HE doesn't sleep well at all with all her tossing and turning.

I got her into bed, got her settled and 10 minutes later his pager went off. He glanced at it, called the number back, and talked to the ER dr. Then he flew out of bed (it was 130 am at this point) threw on his scrubs and was out the door. By the time he got back it was 3 am, and Ava was still restless in our bed. He tried to go back to sleep but I knew it was hard for him. His alarm went off at 6 am and he went to work for the day.

When he returned last night at 9 pm he said it had been a rough day. That was it.....he was tired and described the day as rough, but he had a smile on his face. I knew he was functioning on only a few hrs of sleep and had been in the hospital 14 hrs straight, and somehow he wasn't even grouchy.

I asked about the person at 130 in the morning. He said it was horrible. The ER dr KNEW the patient was having a heart attack, and a quick EKG showed big trouble so he called Rich. When Rich got there, the ER was still trying to stabilize the patient for a heart cath so Rich could open up the artery. The patient coded and Rich was helping work on him, but he passed away and never was even stable enough for the procedure. He was only in his 60's. If I had even so much as witnessed that I would have been in a bad mood for a week. He was sad about it and we talked about it for awhile. It affects him but doesn't paralyze him. Situations like that change him somehow by retaining the lessons to be learned from it, and leaving all the fears, anger and unfairness by the wayside. He has a gift for taking the good things out of a situation and recognizing the bad but not letting them define him.

I am so thankful for having him in my life. He is my rock and I don't tell him often enough.

something just clicked

several months ago I promised myself I would write here more. I am very good at keeping promises to other people, not so great about keeping them to myself. Then I began what would be one of the roughest spots in my life thus far. I stumbled, I cried, I felt pitiful and I spent a lot of time questioning. My promise to myself to communicate my thoughts here went by the wayside as I allowed myself to be so consumed by what was falling apart around me.

Then the other day, something clicked. I realized what I keep telling my kids all the time was something I was not living my life by for myself. Since I know that we teach and guide more effectively through behaviors and actions then words, I decided to listen to my own advice.......

Every day when we wake up we can choose to be happy or we can choose to be unhappy. Who wouldn't CHOOSE to be happy?

In that moment of reflection a few days ago, I somehow let go of my anger and fears like letting a balloon go into the sky. I can actually CHOOSE to not let things bother me as much, to not let negativity consume me. It still goes on around me as certainly as the sun rises each morning. We were given free will by no accident so that we can make our own choices as to how we REACT to the world around us.

As for me, I wake up each day wondering what life will throw my way, all the while wondering what it will be trying to teach me. I do the best I can to show love in things I do, and not deny my fears, but wave to them in the sky where I let them go rather then let them bring me down.

exercising the muscle of self control

a philosopher I am not, but I do think about self control in all aspects of my life, and work on ways to improve it.

It is all about a big picture, and the everyday lessons that life brings. We have big pictures in mind whether it is how much money we are aspiring to save, how we want to nurture our childrens' spirits, or how we get along with our spouses, neighbors, families and friends. What are these little lessons here to teach us? How can we learn from them? Can I and should I act in a way that is better for me now, or better for the big picture?

I was thinking about this today in terms of money. How do we raise children to have some responsibility with money? When is it too early for them to understand?

We were at gymnastics the other day and Dani spotted a new (and very cool I might add) leotard in the pro shop. It was her favorite shade of green with some geometric patterns on it. She has been such a good girl lately, and really is doing fantastic in school and at home and I really WANTED to buy it for her! After all it was only 30$ and I even had the cash in my pocket. She has a few leotards already though, and didn't really need it. What is the lesson to learn in this? You can afford it, so buy it? She has been good, so buy it? What was I teaching her if I just bought it right then and there?

I took a step back, took a deep breath, and told her "no" (and felt like running to avoid the wrath of my decision!) She was disappointed, but not hysterical. I was proud of her reaction, and proud of myself for not taking the easy way out ;) On the way home, I did point out to her that she DOES get allowance, and that she had some money saved up that last week she chose to spend on a stuffed turtle at the waterpark (bad decision IMHO, but hers nonetheless).

I have given her the tools, the control and the choice to be able to get that leotard if she wants it. If she does want it badly enough, time will tell. It is not always (and not often even) the right thing to do to make a choice that makes everyone happy "right now". It wouldn't have made us short somewhere else to get it for her that day, but what would she have learned? I never want to lose sight of that big picture. I want her to know responsibility, and working and saving for what you really want in life.

Even if it is just a green leotard.

Yes it was awful-----now please shut up!

What a title huh?

I recently read an article with this heading, and was intrigued to say the least. Little did I know it would end up giving me that (as Oprah likes to call it) A-HA moment. I literally thought "a-ha, this is what I need to think about, this is what I need to change in my life"

There is a big difference in understanding how our past experiences have shaped us into the person we are today, and being choked and controlled by that past. For me, it is like it is always hanging out there, like I am waiting for the right moment in conversation to tell my story. I am realizing that it doesn't matter.......I mean it DOES matter, but by constantly feeling the need to talk about it, am I really just looking for pity? That's AWFUL!

In trying to figure out what to do and move forward I have wallowed in self pity and tried to bring others there with me. The author in the article talked about a whole society doting on tales of personal tragedy. The trouble is that it makes us feel more like we are sinking in quicksand than lighting a torch to proceed with our lives. Does it really help us to obsess about the ways we've been wronged? Does it help us to BE happy by talking about things that have happened to make us UNHAPPY? That is not to say there isn't a time and a place to talk about it, but by allowing ourselves to get bogged down in these old stories prevents the new learning. We cannot change what has happened, we can only learn from it and live in the now.

It certainly isn't easy to do. We have to take baby steps. We cannot expect to erase memories of our past, but we can train ourselves to move forward slowly. We aren't running with that torch on a well-lit, clear and direct path. We are trudging along, sometimes struggling to find our way. We are brushing the sand off our feet as we hold our torch high to light our way.

I'm not going to turn back.

what does it mean to be a good person?

This is something I have spent many hours wondering. I mean, I think there are the black and white things that most of us could agree on, but the gray area is very large, I am realizing. And, when you are faced with someone who you feel in your heart is more than just a vexation to your soul, what do you do?

I am more than comfortable in my own skin, but my heart is very heavy as I have been questioned, doubted, and frankly, attacked. It has left me angry beyond words.

I am trying my very best and putting so much of my energy into not caring what others think about me as long as *I* know I am not trying to hurt others. No 2 people are going to agree on everything! Does it mean the other person is wrong? NO! Whether it is about raising children, our relationship with our spouses, neighbors and friends, how (and IF) we practice our Faith or whether an apple tastes better than an orange, we all make decisions that work best for ourselves and our own families. As much as it may be human nature to judge, we should all try to resist that urge and accept people as they are.

But, what DO you do when someone does not give you that same courtesy? Or, when the person you are trying very hard not to judge takes advantage of you repeatedly? I am a firm believer that our society today has lost a good sense of respect. Whatever happened to good manners anyway? What does one do when they are targeted or judged by someone else? How can we (and should we still be?) gracious without being a doormat? When is it (and IS it?) the right thing to do to decide that they shouldn't be a part of your life while this is still going on?

And, what do we teach and tell our children? What do we explain to them when they ask us if someone is a good person who we don't believe is? When they were younger, it was easier to get away with "it was a bad decision, they aren't a bad PERSON", but as they get older and are more aware of interactions and behaviors, it becomes much more difficult.

It seems that some are not at all concerned with these types of things, and it's depressing to me. It seems that some would rather not have relationships at all than to do so respectfully.

I am learning to let go......and to live each moment knowing I can only change and better myself, and that I shouldn't worry about things I cannot change.